Tempus Fugit by Gillian Douple

Posted: June 28, 2015 in Uncategorized

I still don’t wanna grow up
so it makes sense that I wanna end it
(I mean turn off these thoughts, this confusion), but how weird is it to think:
like, my mind wants to shut down but then
my body is fighting to survive. I’m just so tired,
but there’s never a reason. I think it’s in my mind,

where exhaustion has made its den, its cave home, where something is wrong, in my mind,
where I don’t wanna leave childhood. Christoph brought that up,
actually, when we were doing some cheesy exercise about the timeline of our lives (it was
late-night at our retreat, oh I was tired),
he said when he was 17, one of his classmates Saskia threw herself in front of a train, and it
killed her instantaneously. She didn’t want to grow up, he said. Christoph didn’t think

it would affect him so much, didn’t think
little brown-haired Saskia had tsunamis in her mind,
that her Peter Pan urge would toss her in front of a train and then
the entire class would talk about their feelings for a week, dredging up
emotions that weren’t even related. It
was a story that made me feel devastatingly tired

of being suicidal, or having been suicidal. The tiredness
gets so penetrating that it’s like an urge to die. Because to outsiders, I think
there’s not too much distinction between “being” and “having been”. This misunderstanding, it’s
like failing. Christoph told us about Saskia somberly, because certain things are indisputable in
his mind,
and I used to tell him it was the German in him. He was always very rational, thought growing up
was something that happened with or without freaking out, so then

why freak out? Why be troubled? He felt that way about making sandwiches, and art, and then,
I discovered, long-distance relationships. It still makes me tired
to think about being Skype-dumped, about how Christoph would put his back up
against what was rational, what was logical, and never think
that it could be changed. Nothing is indisputable in my mind.
What cannot be disputed? Think about it.

Love? Hope? False. Everything is tremulous. Growing up? I still don’t want it.
Saskia didn’t want it. It was fine for Peter Pan to stay frozen, but then
all his friends used time to leave him. I wish adulthood didn’t bring death to mind—
like, if you grow up, and there’s nothing to hold on to anymore, it’s tiring
to keep swimming. Life is fluid and easy to drown in. Christoph didn’t think
like Saskia did, didn’t feel like giving up

about growing up. Sometimes it seems like life is a well, like it’s
dark and open, and you can’t see rock bottom until you’re too close. I thought about dying as a
way to finally rest, and then
it was so hard to get the tiredness out of my mind.

G. Shay Douple is a current grad student at Columbia College Chicago, where she teaches Writing and Rhetoric. She is an AmeriCorps alumna and a Virginia transplant living in the vivid city of Chicago, IL.

  1. Many people do not know how much strength to write about these feelings, and how much more is required to put it out in the world line this. Kudos for doing so.


  2. john berry says:

    I concur, it does take a lot of courage to speak your sometimes
    uncomfortable truth. Well said!


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